A Flower Opening in the World
A Birthday Reflection on Self-Love, Self-Forgetting and the Spiritual Path
This weekend I celebrated my 39th Birthday, given that my birthday is 3/9, this feels like a significant one—as it also fell on the weekend of a new moon in Pisces.
Living at the monastery, we didn’t tend to celebrate people’s personal birthdays. Sometimes we would be in retreat and the day would pass, like any other day—perhaps made even more sacred by the silent witnessing and direct experiencing of life offered through the retreat space.
Resting in the Ground of Being
Monastic life taught me how to be no one and everything. Slipping below surface chatter and the push & pull of trying to make conditioned reality somehow “fit” what I wanted in a given moment—to the spacious acceptance of life as it is. Who am I but part of the humming of the universe? The spacious array of the night sky? The spring flowers blooming? The smell of rain?
When we let-go of trying to fix reality into some temporary vision of what would make us happy in a given moment—we are blessed with a kind of rest and thanksgiving. We taste the immaculate OK-ness of life unfolding and the freedom of not needing to fix ourselves or anyone, not needing to fix the world in order to be happy, because basic happiness is never apart from us.
I feel grateful to have tasted moments of being no one and everything.
These tastes compel me on the path of meditation—to be able to empty out and let crow or oak, friend or client fill awareness is poignant and beautiful. To sit empty of self as the universe thrums through this body-mind, a happening, a dance—a mystery—a continuous gift. How grateful I am to have found this path of meditation, of Zen, of dharma.
Being Myself
And we are also someone, unique in our expression—a flower blooming unique in all the world.
During my monastic training, one of my dharma sisters said to our teacher, “I want to realize no-self.” To which my teacher replied, “That’s the easy part, then you have to awaken to being truly yourself.”
My teacher Hogen also shared an encounter he had with his teacher Shodo Harada Roshi, where he asked Roshi—”What is the end of the path?” and Roshi replied: “Being fully human.”
As I look back at who I was before I started Zen practice, I see someone mired by self-consciousness, wanting so badly to fit in, be loved, be accepted.
While gradually self-consciousness lessened throughout my Zen training, simultaneously a deeper refuge began to emerge. A faith that fundamentally I am OK. And that the feelings of shame, not-being good enough, being unloveable, feeling separate—were also OK. I could feel them. They won’t break me. And they don’t last forever. In fact, the less identified I am with the story attached to them, the more ephemeral they become.
Like snowflakes landing in the ocean, all experience returns to the source.
The less self-consciousness and fear dominate my experience of myself, the more I have access to the full range of human experience. Thoughts, emotions or ideas that I may have suppressed for fear of not being accepted, have space to be felt, known and expressed.
In my own life this has led to more creative freedom in the realms of painting, poetry, working with clients and teaching. Life feels more collaborative, it’s ok not to know, to ask, to try—to even make mistakes and keep learning. Some of the most beautiful pieces of art, or most transformative moments in counseling come from apparent “mistakes.”
I also find myself enjoying myself more. Before I started practicing meditation, it was really hard to be alone with myself. It’s actually been a recent experience since leaving monastic life—where I recognized how much I enjoy my own companionship. Whether its going for a walk, sitting alone in meditation, making a piece of art, writing, making a meal or simply being with myself in my house—there is a deeply appreciated intimacy in being myself/being with myself.
I’ve been saying recently—I am my primary relationship, which feels true and good. I give myself more permission to spend time listening to my body and heart speak their desires. Companioning my feelings, journaling, recording my dreams and hanging out with the characters + images that show up in that space.
The more I spend time with myself and really take time to savor the unique experience of being embodied, being this precious human—the more I recognize natural talents, gifts and passions that are wanting to be watered and given space to grow. I also recognize how much more resourced I feel to appreciate the unique flowers I share this world with. The challenges that strengthen our souls and the passion that drives us to keep loving in our unique ways.
So much of my life was spent comparing myself to others, or wanting what I thought someone else had. To love myself frees me to love and appreciate others—their talents, their wisdom, their beauty—without getting lost in comparison or envy.
Being Connected
I thought I would share some of the people, books + practices who influenced me this year:
’s The Madonna Secret—I was telling my partner over my birthday dinner, that this was the book I was most grateful to have spent time reading this year. A healing and beautiful fictional account of Mary Magdalene and Jesus’s relationship. I am deeply grateful to Strand for giving a voice to the awakened feminine in this story.Rumi Gold—Rumi helps me connect with devotion and passionate love for the divine.
The Tarot—I started a daily practice of pulling a card and then free writing messages, poems + creative essays in response to the card in my journal for the day. I let the card sit with me for the rest of the day, on my desk. I glance at it between clients, email and writing. I stand up and let it inform my stretch breaks. Seeing the image connects me with the writing from earlier in the day—it’s a way of feeding my intuition and connecting me to the creative source. Rachel Pollack’s book 78 degrees of the TarotWisdom has also been an excellent support, as I dive deeper into this ancient, spiritual medium.
Astrology—I have been doing a deep dive into astrology, and am currently studying with two amazing women Catherine Urban and Dena Decastro. I also highly recommend Recent Bedroom by
. Astrology helps me connect to the cosmos and really appreciate the uniqueness of each of us as individuals, the karma we are unravelling, the gifts we are opening, the places we might get stuck, the lessons we are learning, the expression our spiritual lives take—much of the basic imprint of our lives can be found in our natal charts. It’s humbling and awe inspiring to deepen my understanding of these ancient systems.I am in an apprentice program right now, and hope to be offering Natal Chart and Transit readings soon. As I get to know the archetypes alive in my own chart, I am seeing how they function as parts of me. The modalities of parts work, IFS and Hakomi have been helpful for me to explore how the planetary energies and zodiac live in me as embodied + sometimes conflicted forces of desire, love, creativity, learning, play, safety, expansion, disruption and expression.
Hakomi—In January I completed the Level 1 Comprehensive Hakomi Training and will be continuing my training and study for another year. Hakomi is a therapeutic modality that utilizes mindful somatic awareness to help access, heal and transform core wounds and beliefs. It’s a gentle, playful, collaborative modality where client and therapist work together to allow the healing that is already present within the client to unfold. I am appreciating being in this training as well as receiving therapy in this modality. Accessing core material often requires a safe container for exploration and I have been so delighted and surprised what comes forth in this space to be healed + also the healing itself.
Flora Bowley’s Brave Intuitive Painting—my housemate Ana and I did one of her at home workshops last year around this time. I painted on canvas for the first time and have been exploring with new styles of painting, while continuing to let my own intuitive style guide my creative exploration.
Staying Connected
While the Zen tradition has provided such a deep foundation in my life and I continue to practice Zen meditation daily, offering weekly drop-in practices both online and in-person—I am enjoying how these other practices are awakening in me a deep connection to the sacred within this modern expression of the spiritual path. Within my unique life. Below are some upcoming and on-going events.
Zen Online Meditation Mondays—6P PT / 9P ET
Join me for this weekly meditation gathering. We start each session with 40 minutes of meditation followed by a dharma talk. We are currently exploring the Zen Path of Awakening through the poetry and paintings known as the Ox-herding Pictures. This Monday we will explore the 10th Ox Herding Picture—Entering the World with Open Hands.
Dream Sky Online Dreaming Community — March 17th 3P PT / 6P ET
Join me for this monthly dream circle where we explore the practice of dreaming. Each month we begin with meditation, a dream sharing ritual and then a guided exploration of working with the images of someone’s dream. There are opportunities to share our experience at the end. This is a practice of connecting with the wisdom and compassion of the dream world.
Mindful Eating + Joyful Embodiment Online Class Series — Sundays March 31 - May 5
In this interactive program, we'll explore the mechanisms behind emotional eating, learn simple strategies to begin to change unhealthy habits, learn to transform inner criticism into self-compassion, and rediscover the joy and nourishment of eating.
This class series is grounded in self-compassion. We aim to provide a safer space to explore, heal and transform some of the painful beliefs we may have taken on about ourselves, our bodies, or our habits around eating.
IFS - Informed Spiritual Counseling
To heal traditionally meant to make whole. In my Spiritual Counseling I practice using IFS and Hakomi to help heal inner + outer conflict, liberate fixed beliefs, move beyond fear + anxiety and transform out-dated conditioning.
In my experience, healing and awakening happen in relationship, we need each other to change and open to wholeness.
My approach to spiritual counseling involves deep listening, mindful-presence and compassionate inquiry.
Spiritual Counseling can help you if you are interested any of the following:
Companioning Grief + Loss
Clarifying Life Purpose
Healing Relational Conflict
Working with Shadow Material
Healing Inner Conflict
Healing relationship with Eating, Food or Body Image
Spiritual Emergence
Integrating Psychedelic or Mystical Experiences
Moving Through Creative Blocks, Career Impasses and Burnout
My work is supported by the methods and practices of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Therapy (Hakomi), Buddhist Psychology, Expressive Arts and Dream Work.
I also do stand-alone IFS or Hakomi sessions, for those who are interested in deepening into these beautiful modalities.
Thanks for your support on this path of life and awakening!
Love,
Amy Kisei